One year ago today...a personal note
This post is hard for me. In a great and overwhelming kind of way but hard. I remember not sleeping the night before. Like a wink. I remember sobbing in my bed and praying the hardest I've ever prayed in my life. I kept thinking, God, You're just going to do this, You have to, there's no other way. It's the only way I'll be able to provide a life for them after all this heartbreak. I woke up happy because my mom was there with us, for this last huge decision.
After months of trials, having my character annihilated on the stand by some arrogant man who'd barely met me and interrogated me as if I was some criminal for wanting and fighting for what I felt was best for my children, it was finally coming to an end. Today was the day. As nervous and anxious as I was I'd never felt more sure and peaceful the morning I left for court. I knew that no matter what, the truth would speak for itself and it didn't matter what picture was being painted. Everything, everything in my life I have done for the two precious amazing boys I carried and loved. That's not to say I haven't failed, BOY AT TIMES HAVE I FAILED, because we all do. We all fall short. That's why God's grace is greater and why if we go to Him when we fail that he's there to pick us right back up again and wipe the slate clean. How great of a gift is that?
That morning, on my way, I kept repeating Philippians 4:5b-7; "The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." From so many angles I was being told that I had a slim to no chance of the judge granting in my favor and at times I had doubts, but not enough to give in. I believed God was leading me, surpassing all understanding. When we were granted the miracle of moving here, I internally burst into tears and inside I was screaming and overflowing with joy and relief. Though also sadness, because I knew it was not going to be an easy road and in fact a road of grief for all of us that we would need to go through. BUT in 30 days we were moving to a place where we'd be surrounded by love and support and there is no better place to grieve than with family and friends that have been there from the beginning. When I got home, we all burst into tears. The boys were at peace and so happy. That morning Noah said "Mom, I'm praying for Texas." My little church teacher and his abounding faith was so at ease and sure. In this image that evening they are saying "30 days!"
So fast forward a year later. We're in our own home, a home that we could not have gotten without help from my family, one that I chose completely for the boys. We are 30 mins or less to both my brother's family and my folks. We have an AMAZING church. Noah is in a GREAT school where he is at the top of his class and reading at a grade higher. Liam, who hardly spoke before we moved, now will not be quiet lol. They've blossomed, they've thrived, they're happy and are at home. I have been blessed with a job that allows me to stay with Liam until he can start school. I've began lifelong friendships. I'm sure God has a cowboy for me down the line, but I'm happy and peaceful and belong and free. And not because we moved, but because I put my faith where it belonged and because of the blessing and miraculous gift that He gave me as a result, I live every day trying to be obedient to His word and THAT makes me free.